In the famous movie with the same title, Nick Marshall (played by Mel Gibson) gains a special power that allows him to hear women’s thoughts without them saying it, which makes him, for the first time in the history of man, able to know what they want and how they think, and that made him loved by all women in his life (office female colleagues, his daughter & the woman he was falling in love with) as for them there is finally a man who understands them. The movie is a great romantic comedy with this original twist that builds on the long unsolved mystery between men & women and how can men know what women really want. Now, I will not dare to claim that I am Nick Marshall from the movie, so no, I cannot read women’s minds nor do I know what they want still, but I wrote this post to my fellow men, in a humble attempt to share with them some ideas on how to have a happy life with their ladies by understanding what most women want, which will at the end make them have a joyful, happy & content relationship. So if you are a lady, you don’t have to read this, but you can share it with your man if you like. Ok guys, let’s start with Three Rules of Engagement here before I go any further, and while reading them, please do take the time to understand them well, and allow them to really sink in. You have to make sure you are honest with yourself about them in order to move forward. However, please keep in mind that this is merely my personal view on how to have a happy relationship with your lady. But if you are in a relationship that is damaged or at a breaking point and needs saving, I recommend that you do not act too proud, and go seek professional help. That is of course if you want to save your relationship.
- You & your spouse must have real genuine passion and love towards each other & towards your relationship. Sounds too obvious? Guess again, as many couples are still together just because it is their comfort zone or because of the kids, while each one of them have their own separate personal life. If one of the spouses want the relationship to last while the other lost hope or interest or just indifferent, then this will NOT work, but they might stay together for years, while each is in their own world, and no one wants to be responsible for wrecking the boat. In such case, you will see them together out of habit but not for loving each other or really wanting to be together. Love, respect & trust are three mandatory core values to have in your relationship from both sides, with no value being compromised for any reason.
- Happy relationships are living breathing beings. Hence, it requires nonstop and constant nourishing from both sides, and never take each other or the relationship for granted. Remember that great things in life are not easy; rather they need continuous effort and work, so both of you must nourish your relationship with love and respect in order to keep well and healthy, and most of all never take it for granted.
- Finally, this is based on the assumption that you truly love her. If you are fooling around, cheating on her, or having her at the bottom of your priorities list, then these ideas won’t help.
“There is no love in marriage, there is love in people, and people put it into their marriage.”(1) When you think about this statement, said by Dr. Stephen Covey, you realize this simple truth, yet mostly overlooked, that we created the relationship and not the other way around. It is all about the expectations we are having from our marriage or relationship, as we sometimes assume certain things that are not true and when they fail, we blame it on the partner or society or any other external factor, like the marriage institution for example. You see, relationships at first are like a big empty tanker with a water faucet in the middle. If you pour enough love and respect into this tanker, the level of water/(love & respect) will get higher than the faucet level, so when you open the faucet, it will pour love and respect out. On the other hand, if you pour negative emotions, soon enough it will pour negativity. In all cases, both spouses need to pay attention to how long were they pouring love into the tanker/relationship and how long does it take for it to reach and pass the faucet level. Case in point, a couple have been together for two years now and the man was not the expressive type, so he doesn’t share his feelings with his wife, he doesn’t tell her that he loves or that he misses her enough. Maybe once or twice a month at best. She finally decides to confront him about her not feeling loved by him and they have an argument. He would say, “You know I love you, why else would I have married you?” and she would argue that should want that reassurance, she wants to hear it and feel it from him. He finally gives up decides to say it more often, just so to get her off his back, but after a week goes by he feels that although he is telling her loves her, he still feels that she is not giving him anything in return, as if she is not appreciating what he is doing. So what went wrong? Well, he was not patient enough to fill the tank; hence, the amount of love he was pouring into the relationship did not reach the faucet level yet. He needs to give it more time, he would have eventually saw her reaction once that tank is full enough. Another scenario, you both have an argument, and she says “you don’t love me anymore” or ” when was the last time you said you loved me or you got me something, you never did” and such statements will make your head boil, especially if you know that is not true and just last month you got her a gift on her birthday and you told you her you loved her. So how can she be so insensitive and pretend that you never did?? well, she is not denying that at all, you see, when she says anything with the words “never” she usually just mean during that day or the past few days while the dispute or the argument was taking place. Once you realize this simple different way of thinking, you will not be offended by such statements, and you will be able to focus on the issue and solving it. What does that mean? You must understand that she needs to feel your love constantly. She might know you love her, but without reassuring that love constantly, she will start to worry and question it. Don’t try to reason this with your male brain as you will not be able to comprehend it. Just trust that women don’t see (or analyze) things the way we do, and that does not mean they are not as smart nor as logical, on the contrary, they are smarter and sharper than us, and they have their female-intuition while we in comparison we are much too primitive in our thinking abilities. There is a saying that goes like this “women will not tell you what they want, but they will reserve the right to be upset if you don’t give them what they want” and it is mostly true. If only they just state their needs clearly, life would be so much easier. But then again, where is the fun in that? Nothing of great value in life comes easy, and if you love her, then she is worth all the hard work. But here is good hint, no matter who your spouse is or what you think she wants or not, or how different she is vs. other women, one way or another she has six basic emotional needs(2) that psychology tells us they all need:
- Caring. You have to show her that you genuinely care about her.
- Understanding. Even if you don’t understand some things she says or does, showing her that you trust her opinion and judgment is a good sign of understanding.
- Respect. No matter what happen, never disrespect her or hurt/abuse her physically, verbally or emotionally. As Islam teaches us in many ways in Quran or Hadeeth to never hurt or disrespect, and to always be kind and gentle to them. She must feel safe with you, and that is so crucial for her to trust you.
- Devotion. If you really love her, you must show her how devoted you are to her and that she is your number one priority.
- Validation. you have to prove to her that you love her and she has to trust your love and trust that you have her back and that you will be with her at all times, for better or worse.
- Reassurance. This goes back to the point early of constantly showing her your love.
If you really love her, then you would want to make her happy, and therefore the above will come natural for you. Keep in mind, you can’t fake these emotions and you have to be genuine, or she will know (remember the female-intuition ability?) trust me she will and you will be in so much trouble then. Any ladies reading still? I thought I asked you not to? Well, if you are, we also have emotional needs thank you very much and we also would like them to be addressed. The most important of all is acceptance, so please stop trying to change your man. You loved him the way he is so don’t say “I will work on changing him later” and if you must, assuming its a really bad habit, then at least do it in a way that make your man feel/think that he did the changes on his own. In all cases, here are our six emotional needs:
- Trust. One of the very basic core values that both ways.
- Acceptance. Don’t try to force your man to change, we are not kids (well sometimes we are, but you know what I mean).
- Appreciation. Show us that you appreciate what we do for you.
- Admiration. We too want to feel special by our ladies.
- Approval. We want to feel that you approve what we do, believe it or not we care about what you think.
- Acknowledgement. It’s really simple and straightforward.
How to show her you love her? Imagine you fall in love with a Chinese lady and she does not speak your language, so no matter how many times you tell her you love her, she will not know what are you saying and if asked, she will say he does not tell me he loves me. There are five main areas where one can express love to his spouse, and you would need to know if all those five mean love to her or not, and what are their value in her life, in the right order. The five love languages(4) are:
- Words of Affirmation. Simply put telling her that you love her, by expressing that love verbally.
- Quality Time. Spending time together, while paying attention to her and talking with her.
- Receiving Gifts. Getting her gifts
- Acts of Services. Helping her around the house or on anything thing she might want.
- Physical Touch. Holding her, hugging her, kissing her, and in any other physical form
Now, some women only care for one of those languages, or two, while others have them all on their languages of love, but with different levels of importance. For example, you could be an emotional guy who always tells his wife that he loves her, but for you gifts are not important and they don’t necessarily reflect love, while she could have “receiving gifts” as her most important language and “words of affirmation” as her third. So she will always feel that you don’t love her, because you are missing on that language, and you are not getting her gifts. Or she sees “acts of services” as an important sign of love, while she is not a touchy feely lady, so she would love it if you help her around the house, but she would be indifferent with all the physical gestures of love from you. Hence, you need to know your own love languages and hers and you need to share it with each other so you know each other’s love buttons. So what are you waiting for, go take the test and ask her to take it as well. Always remember that women have strong attention to details, so the more you show you pay attention to the little things, the more you will surprise her, and she would prefer continuous little gifts or gestures of love everyday vs. one big gift once a year, and also everything nice you do to her, to show love, will get you one point, regardless of what it is or how much it cost you. a bouquet of her favorite flowers equals one point, a new expensive watch equals one point, and so on, get it? 10 Simple Rules To Follow: (3)
- Accept the differences and embrace what you have in common. It’s all about complementing & completing each other rather than being two of the same.
- Allow space for your spouse to be herself. Do you remember what attracted you to her in the first place? What was special about her? What turned you on?
- Be the first to say you are sorry. Regardless of whose fault it was, it’s all about being sorry for reaching a level in the relationship to argue fanatically about, while hurting your spouse. It’s about being constructive, maintaining a healthy relationship, not about pointing the blame finger, and showing who is boss.
- Go the extra step in trying to please her, and always be nice. Why wouldn’t you? After all your spouse deserve it and you love her. Again, remember why you fell for her in the first place.
- Respect each other’s privacy. Never intrude, ever. If something bothers you or if you have reasons to be jealous, discuss it openly. Honesty and openness are crucial traits at all times. Prophet Mohammed PBUH said in this matter “if you have suspicions, ask but never pry”
- Know when to listen and when to talk. Many times she just wants to be heard, but she is not looking for any solutions, so don’t offer any, just be a good listener.
- Make sure your lovemaking is making love. It’s not about sex, it’s about love… sex is one of many ways (an important one I must say) to express that love… so keep on expressing it, all the time.
- Have passion for your life together and make sure you have the same-shared goals. Passion in anything in life is the fuel that keeps our engines running and energy levels up. Your spouse’s happiness should always be your goal and vice versa, and with that simple formula, you will both be happy. In addition, of course, you both have to be heading to the same destination, otherwise you are not on the same journey together, and then you are bound to go your separate ways.
- My spouse is my best friend. That’s the ideal level that we should aim to have, anytime and all the time, for as long as we are together.
- Keep talking. Talk about anything and everything. Solve your differences and disagreements by talking with the objective to solve the issue not to win the argument, so it does not matter who is right, it matters what is right for the relationship. If you are not talking much, then something is wrong, so fix it.
Ok, so that was it… sounds like a lot of work? Actually it is, but if you really love her, then she is worth all the effort. So make sure you are investing all this with the right lady for you, with your soul mate. Of course keep in mind, that its two-way road, so it’s not like she has nothing to do or no effort to put, she is got to the do the same from her side too, in most cases though she is doing it already, but that is a whole different topic for a whole different article. Some might say this is all nice but not practical in our culture or way of life, well, try at least some, and see how it goes. You will be amazed with the outcome, and remember, everyone in this world (throughout history until today and throughout the future) have 24 hours in their lives and yet many succeeding in finding that balance in their lives. Case in point, Prophet Mohammed PBUH is known in our culture as a role model husband, and yet he was leading a nation, the armies and the building of a new civilization at the same time. So how is all this linked to the title “How to Win Her Heart” well, you will be amazed at the outcome, and trust me, as she will make your life heaven and you will be the happiest man alive. If you don’t believe me try it yourself. Personally, based all of the above, and if I really love a woman so deeply and if I see her as my soul mate, my one and only and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with & grow old with, then I would:
- Make her feel and know that I love her all the time, with or without a reason.
- Tell her that I love her every day, and I would mean it.
- Know her favorite things (i.e. flower, color, food dishes, music & artists, etc.) and I would make sure to get her those things randomly when she least expects them.
- Know all the details of her clothes sizes (dress, shoes, shirts, jeans, ring, lingerie, etc) so I can buy her gifts without having to ask for the size & ruin the element of surprise.
- Make sure to celebrate our special days (i.e. birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, etc.) so that I have more reasons to celebrate having her in my life, more reasons to show her how much I love her and appreciate her. Remember, this is not about you believing in valentines or not, that’s not the point, if you don’t want to celebrate valentines, then create an occasion, a reason, as long as you celebrate having her in your life, that is the point.
But that is just me… you can use some of the above or create your own list based on what you know about her. One last word, remember all the effort & energy you used to have at the beginning of the relationship or during your engagement period? And how you used to want to show her that you love her all the time? And how fun that was? Just imagine that all your life with her is an engagement period and keep having fun. P.S. ladies you are not off the hook, as takes two to tango, so my next post might be directed to you 🙂
(1) The Seven Habit of Highly Effective Marriages – Stephen Covey
(2) Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus – John Gray
(3) Rule of Life – Richard Templar
(4) The Five Love Languages – Gary Chapman