In May 2023, Mel Robbins posted a short video on her Instagram account about the “Let Them Theory” that she had just heard of recently. The post generated over 14 million views in less than a week, which alarmed Mel and led her to create an entire podcast episode on theory.
If you are familiar with the famous book LETTING GO by David Hawkins, then you will be able to relate to the concept of this theory. In between those two concepts, if appropriately applied to your life, behold for a blissful and peaceful life.
The LETTING GO book talks about not trying to hold on to people or situations that are moving away and being at peace with the notion of moving forward and accepting that not everyone or every possession must stay in your life. The LET THEM Theory is about a profound technique to stop trying to control your surroundings, be it people or situations, and let each person decide for themselves and their own path. Once you do that, you will realize that you are better off focusing on yourself, your wants and desires, vs. holding others accountable for your expectations of them.
So next time a group of friends gather and don’t include you, let them, or if your kids want to go to a particular hangout place with their friends and it’s not the place you suggested, let them. Or if you keep asking your spouse to wear something you like and they don’t, just let them. I can go on and on with many scenarios, and the ideal action is to let them. In many cases, you are better off letting it go and not allowing it to get to you.
This theory does not mean being passive towards what is happening around you or the actions of others, but instead just accepting that people have their way of thinking. They have the right to choose the life they want, and if it aligns with your expectations, be it, but if not, that’s ok, let them go. You will realize that your life will be more peaceful and lighter and that the ones who are genuinely in tune with yours, who truly matter and care, will stay and will be part of your journey moving forward. It will also help you let go of your attachment to people, situations, or possessions, which is a whole new level of bliss: learning not to be attached.
Interestingly enough, psychology tells us that in most cases, our reason NOT to let them be and try to control them is primarily about us, not them. About us wanting to control the narrative or the outcome of the situation or to make sure their actions meet our expectations. It’s about our kids doing what we want them to do so we look good in front of society or forcing our spouses to meet the ideal version of them that we have in our minds vs. who they really are or want to be.
Mel Robbins also mentions three scenarios where you should NOT let them and put your foot down.
- Don’t let anyone do something dangerous that might hurt you or themselves.
- Don’t let anyone cross your boundaries.
- Don’t let anyone decide things on your behalf.
The journalist Katherine Akbari states that the first and foremost step is to recognize two critical realities: i) you can only control your own actions, and ii) learn to accept others’ decisions and actions as they are. Then, she describes the five steps we need to apply to live the “Let Them Theory.”
- Awareness. We will have this urge to control and manage our surroundings, allowing us to control and predict the outcome. So, recognize the feeling once it hits you, and loosen the grip.
- Acceptance. Accept that we all have our own journeys and have the right to create them as we see fit, and try to see the beauty in letting go.
- Detachment. Probably the hardest step is truly letting go of what you are attached to and accepting that it might not be how you envisioned it. Loosening your grip and letting others be the way they want to be will open new possibilities for you to recognize and see the ones who are meant to be part of your journey. The truth is that when you let people do their own thing and grow, eventually, they will come around. The only way for people to learn is from their own mistakes.
- Observation. Pay attention to your feelings after applying the above. It will be challenging initially, but remember, control is like a comfort zone. You do it because it makes you feel comfortable and in control, but we all know that no growth happens in the comfort zone.
- Reinforcement. Practice makes perfect, so you must stay the course and train that mental muscle to get used to this theory until it becomes second nature or a habit.
In Disney’s animation movie UP, Carl embarks on a remarkable journey to Paradise Falls in South America to fulfill an old dream of his late wife before she passed away. Holding on to his wife’s beautiful memories together, he takes their actual house with him on this trip by tying it into thousands of balloons, which allows the house to float and fly to South America. It was only when he realized he needed to let go of the house to move forward with his life that he let it fly away. Knowing deep in his heart that his late wife and all their memories will be forever in his heart and mind, and no one can ever take that away from him.
As the year 2023 flips its last pages, as we walk into 2024, add the “Let Them Theory” to your list of New Year’s resolutions and enjoy blissful peace of mind. Happy New Year.
Sources:
- Mel Robbins Podcast The ONE Trick You Need to Master to Live a More Peaceful and Fulfilled Life | Mel Robbins Podcast
- How to Use the “Let Them Theory” (eyemindspirit.com)
- Disney Pixar Movie, Up.
