Chivalry, a rare gem in our modern era, is crucial for healthy familial and interpersonal relationships. In the wake of the women’s empowerment movement, a misconception has emerged, suggesting that it clashes with chivalrous behavior. Well, I am here to reassure you that they not only coexist but also harmonize, fortifying each other to forge more robust, more fulfilling connections.
There should not be absolute equality of sexes in terms of responsibilities; instead, equity of the sexes is the correct term to be used and embraced. In today’s world, men and women can obtain college degrees, secure jobs, and achieve self-sufficiency.
However, financial security and being the sole financial provider are only pieces of the relationship puzzle. Relationships are far more intricate than mere financial roles. Human beings are inherently social creatures who thrive on connecting with others. We grow by finding purpose in our lives and contributing to the purpose of those we love.
Ten years ago, I wrote an article on my blog about the relationship between men and women titled “What Women Want.” At that time, I tried to explain some scientific and practical steps from psychological studies in the field, hoping they would help us men on our journey to understand women. Looking back, I realize that my understanding has evolved, and therefore, I’m excited to share my new insights on the importance of being a gentleman with my fellow men.
While chivalry refers to men acting with honor, respect, and politeness toward women, the true definition goes beyond merely picking up the check on a date or holding the door open for her. Chivalry, or being a true gentleman, is knowing your self-worth, acting with integrity, prioritizing your purpose, lending a hand when needed, and acting confidently yet always humbly.
As a gentleman, you should take the lead in the relationship and consistently demonstrate it throughout your interactions. As the famous saying goes, “With great power comes great responsibility,” which means your leadership should cascade down to your responsibility and accountability toward your overall duties and your lady’s needs and well-being in the relationship, and you act out of duty, regardless of how you feel about it. Therefore, emotional regulation is essential. This leadership role should empower you to positively influence your relationship’s dynamics.
My fellow men, it’s vital to understand that entering into a relationship or marriage solely to find your ‘other half’ or ‘soulmate’ is a significant misconception. This perspective implies that you are incomplete and purposeless, seeking someone to fill that void. The true purpose of seeking a partner is not to complete yourself but to find someone who adds value and meaning to your life. This understanding should inspire and motivate you in your search for a partner, as it shifts the focus from filling a void to enriching your life.
Therefore, it’s crucial to recognize your self-worth, cultivate self-love, and align yourself with your vision, life goals, and ambitions before embarking on any relationship. This self-awareness and self-acceptance will empower you in your personal development journey.
Self-love doesn’t equate to arrogance or pride; it encompasses caring for oneself across all dimensions: practical, financial, physical, emotional, and spiritual. After all, how can someone who doesn’t love and care for themselves genuinely extend love to those around them?
Secondly, it’s essential to recognize that the notion of absolute equality is often oversimplified. Women may invoke it as an argument when it suits their needs, yet deny it when it doesn’t favor them. Understanding your role as a leader and captain in the relationship is crucial. This extends from simple decisions, such as choosing a restaurant for dinner for your date night, to significant matters like work, finances, and where you both will live.
You should always consult her, as she is your life partner, although you must understand the difference between a CEO asking his executive team for their advice and a little boy asking his parents for guidance. As the leader, you must discern when to conclude unproductive discussions and when to approve or reject certain choices decisively.
It’s essential to recognize that women, by their instinctive nature, seek safety and inclusion in their relationships. They are not looking for an additional ‘son’ who constantly relies on them, seeking advice and help for every problem because he cannot make decisions independently. Women may not always express it explicitly, but they do not respect this type of man.
Thirdly, my fellow men, please understand that a woman’s opinion reflects her emotions at that moment, not an absolute truth. If you grasp this principle, you’ll know how to handle it when she’s upset or emotional.
When she says she feels bored or suggests doing something for entertainment, like going out, she expects your agreement, enthusiasm, or an immediate solution. Don’t say, “Why don’t we take a long weekend next month and go somewhere?” because next month will not solve her boredom issue.
Sometimes, during disagreements, she may generalize a negative feeling towards you, as if you’re inherently an evil man who has never done anything right. If you recognize that her opinion reflects her momentary emotions, you’ll understand it without taking it personally.
Fourth, please don’t believe that she wants you to be too close to your feelings, that you are in touch with your feminine side, or that you are always vulnerable. She expects you to express your feelings towards her, which is a legitimate right, but remember your masculinity, firmness, and strength.
The lack of masculinity makes her feel insecure with you, and she loses confidence in your ability to be the lead in the relationship. She wants a man who is firm and confident in himself and the leader of the relationship, even if she disagrees with his opinion or gets upset when he rejects one of her requests, not a man who complains frequently, does not know what he wants, and is emotional all the time.
A final word on the topic: if you put someone on a pedestal, they will have to look downward to talk to you, or even see you, and probably take you for granted. Remember that.
I will end with the funny scene from the movie “Crazy, Stupid, Love,” when Jacob, played by Ryan Gosling, acts like a macho man, advising Cal, played by Steve Carell, in the gym’s changing room. “You gott to take control of your manhood pal. You want something, you take it, you don’t like something, you say it.”
Sources:-
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- “The Way Of The Superior Man” – by David Deida
- “The Rational Male” – by Rollo Tomassi
- “The Unplugged Alpha” – by Richard Cooper
- “Crazy, Stupid, Love” – The Movie
